A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

As my latest contribution to society, I have determined several awkward social scenarios in life and will impart to you effective methods by which to obliterate the awkwardness. You may not believe me with one or two, however I urge you to trial my pearls of wisdom and be astonished with the results.

1. Handshakes. Several variations of handshakes are in existence and depending on your upbringing and social networks; you may prefer a particular one. Uncertainty which handshake is being initiated regularly arises. The solution to this issue is simple, regardless of the angle of the hand belonging to the initiator, grab the person’s hand and give them a regular, classic shake. Squeeze hard to make the experience memorable.
2. Seeing an acquaintance in a mall. You may have met the person a few times, maybe even talked, however you don’t really know them. Unsure whether to stop and talk or pass on by, you hesitate and sputter a word or two. To avoid this situation, keep you head facing straight toward your destination but look at them from the corner of your eye. Pretend not to see them but be obvious that you did in fact recognise them. This will make the situation so awkward they will undoubtedly hurry along their way; thus avoiding the need for awkward conversation.
3. Uncompleted homework. When the teacher asks why you haven’t even attempted your homework, instead of sputtering some awkward, cliché excuse, stare blankly at the roof. After several minutes, ask whether they have ever considered the concepts of epistemology and logic. The confusion and ensuing debate will override the detention you were to receive.
4. Elevators. These are the axis of evil as far as awkward scenarios are concerned. Instead of standing awkwardly attempting to avoid eye contact with the other passengers, greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask, ‘do you know who I am?’ When they answer no, say, ‘good.’

Although many additional awkward scenarios are experienced regularly, the aforementioned principles learned can be applied to most scenarios. In conclusion, always attempt to make the other person more awkward than yourself; this invariably makes the situation a lot more pleasurable for you.

A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

Unless you have been living under a rock, in a hole or are from Dannevirke, you will know that the Vancouver winter Olympics have dominated world sport for the last few weeks. Frolicking in the snow and ice looks like so much fun that I’ve decided to give you some pointers for how you too can compete in the next winter Olympics:

1. Choose an appropriate event. If you are heavy, do the luge. It requires no skill what-so-ever; just lie down on a sled and go whipping down the track. Gravity will take care of the rest. If you are light however, do the ski jump. Again, minimal technique required. If you can stand on your feet, you can ski jump. Just race down the hill and the lighter you are, the further you’ll fly. Just do what you do best: be light.
2. Develop a strict training program. If training isn’t really your cup-o-tea, do not worry; do curling. Training for this is simple: play some tenpin bowling, broom out the garage, then enter your room and yell. Practising your yelling is essential for this clearly assists in controlling the ‘stone.’
3. Apply a strict performance-orientated diet. No sorry, I lied. Don’t worry about that.
4. Choose appropriate attire for your event. Winter Olympics events require lycra, sunglasses and ridiculous helmets. All of these can be found at your local op-shop. Helmets can be tad pricey however, so if cash ain’t your thing, just forget about it. None of the events are on solid ground anyway.
5. Apply clever tactics when competing. For example, in the biathlon, load your rifle with extra pellets then shoot (and deliberately miss) your neighbours targets. These will register as misses for them; you simply claim to have poor aim. Also, in speed skating, when the gun goes off, take off your helmet and yell at the top of your lungs. Your competitors will be so confused they will undoubtedly slip, leaving you for the gold.
6. Enter figure skating. If Will Ferrell can do it, anyone can.

As a parting word of wisdom, remember what a great Latin philosopher once said, “ingenio et labore” which means, ‘by natural ability and hard work.’ Actually, never mind that either.

*note: if you compete in any of the aforementioned events, do not take offense. You are super cool and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise…

A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

Given that ‘relationships’ are the theme for Wave in the first term for the year, I thought it would be appropriate to share with you some valuable tips and lessons I have acquired over the years. Follow my advice, and you will no doubt be considered romantic…perhaps…

1. Instead of asking your mum to drop you at the movies, ask your grandma. That way you show your date that you are confident, funny and family orientated.
2. Do not go to the movies. It’s cliché and over-used and most importantly, you can’t talk (which may be a good thing in some cases I guess). The guy will be forced to watch a chik-flik or the girl will be forced to watch explosions and cool stuff.
3. Girls, do not over-do the dressing up. There’s nothing worse than seeing a girl dressed like she’s going to the Oscars when you were only planning on taking her for an ice-cream. There’s also nothing worse than feeling dizzy from all the perfume.
4. Guys, over-do your idea of dressing-up. As far as I can gather, most girls don’t appreciate man-smells as much as we do.
5. Think of new and exciting places to go. Like the luge, or bumper boats, or Paris…
6. Always tell your date that you have to be home at least an hour earlier than you actually have to. That way, if it goes horribly wrong, you get home an hour early. If it goes well, you can always say, ‘oh wait, I forgot, I’ve actually got another hour…’ See how that works?
7. If you’re unsure if the age gap is ok, this is the formula (assuming your age is X): Guys: (X/2) + 7 = minimum acceptable age of girl. Girls: (X-7) x 2 = maximum acceptable age of guy. This applies to anyone aged between 13 and 21. Stick to the formula and avoid confusion.
8. Check your watch regularly, right from the beginning. That way when you’ve had enough, it doesn’t look rude when you check the time all of a sudden. If you’ve been checking it from the start, your date will think you are simply organised and manage your time effectively.
9. Do your homework. Ask around, txt or Facebook stalk the person before being on your own with them. This way you will know their interests, hobbies, favourite book and what they had for lunch. This will impress your date by showing that you take a keen interest in them.

And finally yet most importantly:

• Avoid the awkward ‘should we hug or should we not’ moment at the end of your date by sticking out your hand and parting ways with a firm hand-shake. Awkward moment avoided.

Well there you have it, dating in 10 simple and easy to remember points. You can thank me later…

As in on an airplane to another country for a short-term mission trip…

Here’s some info about a few that are coming up. We’ve teamed up with Missionary Ventures on this so visit their site for more info and application forms.

There are three to choose from:

Nuku’alofa, Ha’apai and Vava’u Islands, Tonga

2 to 16 July 2010

Joint NZ/Tonga youth ministry trip to islands of Ha’apai and Vava’u, starting in Touliki with combined team building, training and rehearsals.

Priority given to Northcross Church members.

Cost: approx NZ$1,200 – 1,350
Deadlines: Applications: 31 Jan 2010; 1st Payment: 31 Mar 2010; Final Payment: 18 Jun 2010

Surabaya & Bromo, East Java, Indonesia

14 to 28 August 2010

Serve alongside our Indonesian partners.  Experience, and be an expression of, God’s love in action in some of the poorest and most isolated communities of East Java.

‘Open’ team (all applications welcome).

Cost: approx NZ$2,750 -3,000
Deadlines: Applications: 31 Mar 2010; 1st Payment: 30 Apr 2010; Final Payment: 31 Jul 2010

Managua, Nicaragua

16 to 27 January 2011 (plus travel time between NZ and Miami, Florida)

Relational visitation and ministry at various centres in Managua.

Priority given to Northcross Church members.

Cost: approx NZ$4,750 -5,000
Deadlines: Applications: 31 Mar 2010; 1st Payment: 31 May 2010;  Final Payment: 20 Dec 2010

These are such great opportunities so get praying and handing in applications asap!

In the latest issue of Fuel (Term 1, 2010), I specified that Mr. Bigglesworth was found in 10 (ten, X) places throughout the magazine. In a mindless act, I forgot I removed one of the Bigglesworth’s and forgot to place him in a different place, hence there are actually only 9 (nine, IX) instances of Mr. Bigglesworth in Fuel.