A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

This week’s topic for contemplation is inspired by the very unsatisfactory condition of this world. So much sin, suffering and pain exists in society today, that one may easily overlook the small things that, for no apparent reason, bring a smile to the face. Hence, I have compiled my list of cool things: small, insignificant things part of God’s Creation that are an endless source of satisfaction…

Sounds

1. The sound of tyres on gravel.
2. A message tone when you’ve been waiting for an important txt.
3. Sharp scissors cutting paper
4. U2. I can barely contain my excitement of their tour to NZ
5. Water gurgling down the bath drain

Smells

1. Petrol.
2. Home-made bread
3. Eucalyptus leaves
4. When you’ve been holding one in for ages…you know it…
5. Farm sheds

Sights

1. The view from the plane over the West Coast
2. Maserati GranTurismo S
3. Table Mountain. It’s very flat, kinda like a table…
4. Sunset on a game reserve
5. Finding money you had forgotten about

Touch[es]

1. Bubble wrap
2. The little bean bag thing at the Ward’s residence
3. Soft mud
4. The iron at the gym…
5. Sheep’s wool

Tastes

1. Chocolate – Milky Bar or Whittaker’s Creamy Milk
2. Strawberries
3. Ox-tail stew
4. Chilli biltong
5. Mum’s pancakes

Compiling a list has the following effect: you lean back, grin broadly and sigh a sigh of contentment. So if you’re feeling down, take my advice and write down some cool things…

A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

It has been brought to my attention that a subject which remains un-discussed is that of music. A hair-breadth line exists between music and noise, therefore the question arises, how do we distinguish? How do we define good music? Fear not, read on…

1. If it is categorised as jazz, categorise it as noise. Jazz contains no melody, rhythm, chorus, catchy-ness, beat, tune, harmony or anything appealing. Some say jazz musicians are a rare talent; I’ve been making ‘jazz’ music since shortly after conception…
2. What do U2, Brooke Fraser and Rapture Ruckus have in common? They are all really good.
3. The determining factor in the appeal of a song is the catchy-ness or ‘x-factor.’ Determining whether a band is good or not requires comparing the ratio of ‘x-factor’ songs to ‘non-x-factor’ songs. 3:2 is considered an acceptable ratio. It’s that simple.
4. Electric guitar and drums should be like a good Parmesan cheese; pleasant but not overwhelming. Not too much, not too little; balance is the key.
5. Is kicking a ball, soccer? No. Is buying some lollies at the dairy, accounting? No. Is toasting a slice of bread, cooking? No. Is scream-o, music? No.
6. Downloading. It’s a bit like stealing apples from your neighbour’s tree. I feel obliged to say, don’t do it…
7. If you assume responsibility of the iPod on a road-trip, you must select songs that are indiscriminately popular. Stick to #1’s and you’ll avoid complaints. Playing Jack Johnston or any acoustic-based music will result in a wearisome driver and death.
8. Pulling faces while playing guitar is unnecessary. When asked to pull a funny face in a class photo you don’t quickly whip out a guitar and start strumming a chord. Therefore, don’t do it the other way round either.

Donald Trump once said that music is the most popular thing in the world. So if you think you’re any good at the most popular thing in the world, see you at Northcross Got Talent on the 29^th August…

A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

In light of a ridiculous suggestion made by a certain individual in our church (Ami Lloyd) regarding appropriate attire for ministry leadership, I was made aware of the lack of fashion sense in today’s society. Now before you express fears that I may be discussing an exclusively feminine topic, do not fear. This is no Vogue editorial, merely some practical dress sense for everyday life:

1. Never, under any circumstances, wear running shoes with jeans. I saw a Facebook group once saying, ‘Everytime I see someone wearing jeans and running shoes a part of me dies inside.’ I liked that page.

2. Neither high-riding nor low-riding should be legal. Low-riders need to drop that spray can and cheer up; while high-riders need to drop that Physics textbook and get a tan. Ok, I generalise, but you know it’s true…

3. Girls, if you’re going to be outside, take a jacket. Yes the man may offer his jacket if you look cold, but guys have feelings too you know.

4. Guys, you may only wear pink if you were forced into it by fellow ministry leaders. You may only wear it for the duration of the ministry hours. After that, resume manhood…

5. Take a stand against ties. That random bit of cloth, like scarves, serves no purpose other than increased risk of strangulation and wiping your mouth after dinner. Society needs to phase-out this dated fashion accessory as they discriminate against those with thicker necks.

As usual, follow my advice and Dolce & Gabbana may offer an internship. It could happen…

A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

Sitting under a blanket with a box of tissues, Vicks vapour rub, and a mug of Lemsip has brought me to the subject of this week’s discussion: things I just don’t understand. Contrary to popular belief, I do not understand everything in this life; here are just a few…

1. Why can doctors cure types of cancer and perform microscopic surgery, yet can do nothing for a common flu? Telling me to drink plenty of fluids and have plenty of rest hardly justifies 7 years of study…
2. What is the obsession with Mi Goreng noodles all about? They’re not that great and you have to open about 6 packets of flavouring as opposed to Maggi’s one. 2-minute noodles have become 13-minute-tired-fingers-and-elevated-stress-levels-noodles.
3. Why do things just start working when you take it to someone to get fixed? Other than to teach us a lesson in humility, I do not understand this phenomenon.
4. Why do people post pointless status updates on Facebook? Daily emotions, lyrics to a song, and just a bunch of x’s, o’s or hearts serve no purpose. When you do a status update, make it funny, controversial or entertaining. Consider it your contribution to society.
5. Why don’t more people wrestle? It’s good for fitness, strength and the ultimate party trick.
6. Where did all the good people go? Ok, that was just on my iPod.
7. How long will it take before the All Blacks win a world cup? No I don’t count the first one because SA didn’t play, and no they weren’t food poisoned in ’95. I’m getting frustrated and I don’t even really support them…
8. Why do people still do the peace sign on photos? Did you think the person taking the photo was acting hostile and just wanted to confirm your peaceful intentions? Doing the peace sign to a camera is as appropriate as high-fiving your teacher when you get a detention; it just doesn’t make sense.

As you would have gathered, I could carry on all day. Yet for brevity sake, I restrict myself. Back to my couch and box of Kleenex; ‘til next week…

A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

The following scenarios are commonly faced in everyday life. Jot down my solutions and I can personally guarantee the elimination of any and all awkwardness.

Scenario: That awkward moment when you’ve just broken up with your other half and said everything there is to say; now you’re not sure whether to stay and comfort or make a break for it.

Solution: Offer a firm handshake and state, “I hope you have a pleasant rest of your life.”

Scenario: That awkward moment when the conversation dries up and everyone stands round resembling gooses as they look at each other.

Solution: Let one rip. Go on, do it.

Scenario: That awkward moment when someone asks to see your abs and they suddenly appear lost.

Solution: Stand directly under light, hunch forward a little, and tense for all your life’s worth.

Scenario: That awkward moment when you’re trying to enjoy some beef roast at dinner when your friends spend 15mins trying to work out which Gilmore Girls character you are.

Solution: Cry loudly and exclaim your anguish at observing the severe demise of society.

Scenario: That awkward moment when someone intends to farewell you with a fist pump, yet your intention is a handshake, resulting in you grabbing their fist.

Solution: Never in my life did I envisage such an awkward scenario. You’ll need to ask JD himself as to what he did…

Scenario: That awkward moment when you walk out of the airplane toilet and the next passenger stares you in the eyes like you’ve just committed a crime.

Solution: State, “I did that.” Return to seat.

Scenario: That awkward moment when your friend invites you on a mandate to watch Twilight.

Solution: Confirm the date. Get your friend to buy the ticket but do a no-show. It is your social obligation to teach them a lesson.

As always, I have addressed several of the key issues faced by young people in post-modern Western society. Remember, if all else fails, initiate a Hongi; nothing breaks awkwardness like a good nose press.