The following scenarios are commonly faced in everyday life. Jot down my solutions and I can personally guarantee the elimination of any and all awkwardness.
Scenario: That awkward moment when you’ve just broken up with your other half and said everything there is to say; now you’re not sure whether to stay and comfort or make a break for it.
Solution: Offer a firm handshake and state, “I hope you have a pleasant rest of your life.”
Scenario: That awkward moment when the conversation dries up and everyone stands round resembling gooses as they look at each other.
Solution: Let one rip. Go on, do it.
Scenario: That awkward moment when someone asks to see your abs and they suddenly appear lost.
Solution: Stand directly under light, hunch forward a little, and tense for all your life’s worth.
Scenario: That awkward moment when you’re trying to enjoy some beef roast at dinner when your friends spend 15mins trying to work out which Gilmore Girls character you are.
Solution: Cry loudly and exclaim your anguish at observing the severe demise of society.
Scenario: That awkward moment when someone intends to farewell you with a fist pump, yet your intention is a handshake, resulting in you grabbing their fist.
Solution: Never in my life did I envisage such an awkward scenario. You’ll need to ask JD himself as to what he did…
Scenario: That awkward moment when you walk out of the airplane toilet and the next passenger stares you in the eyes like you’ve just committed a crime.
Solution: State, “I did that.” Return to seat.
Scenario: That awkward moment when your friend invites you on a mandate to watch Twilight.
Solution: Confirm the date. Get your friend to buy the ticket but do a no-show. It is your social obligation to teach them a lesson.
As always, I have addressed several of the key issues faced by young people in post-modern Western society. Remember, if all else fails, initiate a Hongi; nothing breaks awkwardness like a good nose press.
Firstly, the official lifestyle definition of a man-date is as follows: “an engagement to go out socially with one other person of the same gender; without any romantic connotations.” This may include going for a movie, coffee, lunch etc and merely ‘catching up.’ Before I get attacked by feminists, it is called a mandate only because ‘womandate’ is a bit of a mouthful and simply doesn’t sound as cool. The following rules governing mandates apply equally to male and female:
Avoid excessive displays of emotion or affection. People may get the wrong idea.
Columbus coffee outside the mall in Albany is a great spot with pleasant atmosphere and surroundings. Sunny, sheltered from the wind and their frappes are top notch.
Turn off your mobile phone; your other half can wait. Txting on a mandate is annoying and rude. Save that for your normal dates.
Spontaneity is key. No need to plan a mandate long in advance, just go with the flow. A mandate should be initiated through mutual desire to ‘just chill’.
What is said on a mandate stays on the mandate. True feelings and emotions are revealed on these special occasions which therefore require confidentiality. Don’t go breaking trust, or next time it will be a solo-date.
As always, following my advice will lead you to greatness. Oh wait, I almost forgot; don’t go wearing a pink shirt or scarf on a mandate… for obvious reasons. Share some funny or awkward mandate experiences below (I feel like a chuckle):
Being asked regularly as to the secret to my perfect physique, I have decided today to share some fitness tips. No you don’t need a layer of insulation to survive the winter, going for a run will warm you up plenty. Private training sessions could cost you a fortune, however today on waveyouth.org, it is absolutely free…
When you go for a run, you must actually sweat. This applies to everyone, regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, religious convictions, blood type or any other excuse you can come up with. No sweat? Train harder.
Protein, protein, protein. Essential for muscle repair and recovery. Also makes you look way more professional when you walk out the gym with a shake in hand.
Weights are your friends. The high energy demands of a good program will burn twice the calories of running. And no, you won’t just get massive instantly; it took years to carve this body…
Vary your aerobic exercises. The reason why most people don’t enjoy exercise is because they do the same thing over and over. Try swimming, cycling, rowing, tennis or acting (aka football).
Motivation is the key to fitness. So don’t pay for a personal trainer, train with a partner. But don’t go choosing someone who has half your fitness just to make yourself feel good.
Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is your body. So pull the sneakers out from under the bed, fill up the water bottle, ditch the scarf and see you in the gym…
In celebration of the pending Winter Solstice on the 21st June, I would like to consider today the issue of rainy day blues. Exam papers are about to be handed in and school doors shut; therefore it is essential to have a boredom plan in place. Do not fear, I am about to help you out…
Create a hut in the lounge out of couches, pillows, blankets and chairs. Yes, you did it when you were 7 but trust me, this is timeless. Tell scary stories with a torch and play games like ‘truth, dare, promise.’ This is not quite as enjoyable when on your own, but still, give it a go.
LAN. Granted, network gaming is as cool as fluro pants at an emo party, but battling your friends electronically can be mildly entertaining. Time has never flown so quickly.
Write to your grandparents. They’ll love you for it.
Do some baking. Try not to eat all the cookie dough before it actually gets baked. And if you want people singing your praises for years to come, enlist the help of either JD or myself. Yes, we did dominate the Northcross bake-off.
Monopoly. But don’t go taking it socially. Refuse to lose and battle it out til the early morning hours. Willie’s top tip: secure the Train Stations and Utilities first to ensure steady income.
Once you have exhausted this list and still find yourself bored inside on a rainy day, there’s always YouTube. But instead of streaming pointless videos, watch clips like this:
There are few issues in life which are as concerning to me as society’s misguidance of hat wearing. Your hat may associate you with any number of social stereotypes, therefore greater public awareness in correct hat wearing is required. Today, I will highlight the styles and associations:
1. Bel Air. Ok your IQ just dropped 100 points. Feel free to argue, however considering your single digit IQ, I would expect a rather short argument…
2. Straight-back. You’re stuck in the mid 90’s and probably still think the Internet was invented last year. Get with the times.
3. Straight-sideways. Not only does your hat serve no purpose, it must also be horribly uncomfortable or you have an odd-shaped head. And you’re probably from Dannevirke. And probably wear a scarf…
4. Gangsta. This style is often associated with size 21XL t-shirts, low-riding trousers and crime. Usually worn with a bandana underneath the cap. Pull the gold sticker off and stop wagging school…
The aforementioned styles are all ridiculous, however, do not worry, I have provided a list of appropriate hats:
1. Straight and true. Simple Flexfit, worn normally on your head provides sun protection and cover for bad hair days. Black with a subtle white pinstripe is pure class.
2. Legionnaire. Not old-fashioned, old-skool. This timeless hat does not bring to mind words such as ‘sophistication’ or ‘class’, yet does bring to mind ‘original’ and ‘legendary.’
3. Beret. Only for the girls. Looks classy and serves a mild purpose in head warmth.
4. Bucket hat. Not suitable for everyone, however, given correct physique, a simple bucket is associated with sports, practicality and Steve Price.
Until next time, remember if you’re having a bad hair day, wear a hat. Just not gangsta, or anything like that.
E100 →Apr 18, 2010–Oct 10, 2010 We are about to launch E100 as a whole church.
It's going to be incredibly exciting to see us grow closer as a church community as we study God's Word together.
Each week there's 5 devotions to read and then on Sunday Mornings you'll learn more about the theme for that week. Lifegroups will be going through it too so you can unload all your tough questions about the devotions onto your leaders.
If you haven't got a book, see the church office. They are only $10 and they come with a cool punch card!
