A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

The following scenarios are commonly faced in everyday life. Jot down my solutions and I can personally guarantee the elimination of any and all awkwardness.

Scenario: That awkward moment when you’ve just broken up with your other half and said everything there is to say; now you’re not sure whether to stay and comfort or make a break for it.

Solution: Offer a firm handshake and state, “I hope you have a pleasant rest of your life.”

Scenario: That awkward moment when the conversation dries up and everyone stands round resembling gooses as they look at each other.

Solution: Let one rip. Go on, do it.

Scenario: That awkward moment when someone asks to see your abs and they suddenly appear lost.

Solution: Stand directly under light, hunch forward a little, and tense for all your life’s worth.

Scenario: That awkward moment when you’re trying to enjoy some beef roast at dinner when your friends spend 15mins trying to work out which Gilmore Girls character you are.

Solution: Cry loudly and exclaim your anguish at observing the severe demise of society.

Scenario: That awkward moment when someone intends to farewell you with a fist pump, yet your intention is a handshake, resulting in you grabbing their fist.

Solution: Never in my life did I envisage such an awkward scenario. You’ll need to ask JD himself as to what he did…

Scenario: That awkward moment when you walk out of the airplane toilet and the next passenger stares you in the eyes like you’ve just committed a crime.

Solution: State, “I did that.” Return to seat.

Scenario: That awkward moment when your friend invites you on a mandate to watch Twilight.

Solution: Confirm the date. Get your friend to buy the ticket but do a no-show. It is your social obligation to teach them a lesson.

As always, I have addressed several of the key issues faced by young people in post-modern Western society. Remember, if all else fails, initiate a Hongi; nothing breaks awkwardness like a good nose press.