A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

Unless you have been living under a rock, in a hole or are from Dannevirke, you will know that the Vancouver winter Olympics have dominated world sport for the last few weeks. Frolicking in the snow and ice looks like so much fun that I’ve decided to give you some pointers for how you too can compete in the next winter Olympics:

1. Choose an appropriate event. If you are heavy, do the luge. It requires no skill what-so-ever; just lie down on a sled and go whipping down the track. Gravity will take care of the rest. If you are light however, do the ski jump. Again, minimal technique required. If you can stand on your feet, you can ski jump. Just race down the hill and the lighter you are, the further you’ll fly. Just do what you do best: be light.
2. Develop a strict training program. If training isn’t really your cup-o-tea, do not worry; do curling. Training for this is simple: play some tenpin bowling, broom out the garage, then enter your room and yell. Practising your yelling is essential for this clearly assists in controlling the ‘stone.’
3. Apply a strict performance-orientated diet. No sorry, I lied. Don’t worry about that.
4. Choose appropriate attire for your event. Winter Olympics events require lycra, sunglasses and ridiculous helmets. All of these can be found at your local op-shop. Helmets can be tad pricey however, so if cash ain’t your thing, just forget about it. None of the events are on solid ground anyway.
5. Apply clever tactics when competing. For example, in the biathlon, load your rifle with extra pellets then shoot (and deliberately miss) your neighbours targets. These will register as misses for them; you simply claim to have poor aim. Also, in speed skating, when the gun goes off, take off your helmet and yell at the top of your lungs. Your competitors will be so confused they will undoubtedly slip, leaving you for the gold.
6. Enter figure skating. If Will Ferrell can do it, anyone can.

As a parting word of wisdom, remember what a great Latin philosopher once said, “ingenio et labore” which means, ‘by natural ability and hard work.’ Actually, never mind that either.

*note: if you compete in any of the aforementioned events, do not take offense. You are super cool and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise…