A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson
As my latest contribution to society, I have determined several awkward social scenarios in life and will impart to you effective methods by which to obliterate the awkwardness. You may not believe me with one or two, however I urge you to trial my pearls of wisdom and be astonished with the results.
- Handshakes. Several variations of handshakes are in existence and depending on your upbringing and social networks; you may prefer a particular one. Uncertainty which handshake is being initiated regularly arises. The solution to this issue is simple, regardless of the angle of the hand belonging to the initiator, grab the person’s hand and give them a regular, classic shake. Squeeze hard to make the experience memorable.
- Seeing an acquaintance in a mall. You may have met the person a few times, maybe even talked, however you don’t really know them. Unsure whether to stop and talk or pass on by, you hesitate and sputter a word or two. To avoid this situation, keep you head facing straight toward your destination but look at them from the corner of your eye. Pretend not to see them but be obvious that you did in fact recognise them. This will make the situation so awkward they will undoubtedly hurry along their way; thus avoiding the need for awkward conversation.
- Uncompleted homework. When the teacher asks why you haven’t even attempted your homework, instead of sputtering some awkward, cliché excuse, stare blankly at the roof. After several minutes, ask whether they have ever considered the concepts of epistemology and logic. The confusion and ensuing debate will override the detention you were to receive.
- Elevators. These are the axis of evil as far as awkward scenarios are concerned. Instead of standing awkwardly attempting to avoid eye contact with the other passengers, greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask, ‘do you know who I am?’ When they answer no, say, ‘good.’
Although many additional awkward scenarios are experienced regularly, the aforementioned principles learned can be applied to most scenarios. In conclusion, always attempt to make the other person more awkward than yourself; this invariably makes the situation a lot more pleasurable for you.
2. Neither high-riding nor low-riding should be legal. Low-riders need to drop that spray can and cheer up; while high-riders need to drop that Physics textbook and get a tan. Ok, I generalise, but you know it’s true…
3. Girls, if you’re going to be outside, take a jacket. Yes the man may offer his jacket if you look cold, but guys have feelings too you know.
4. Guys, you may only wear pink if you were forced into it by fellow ministry leaders. You may only wear it for the duration of the ministry hours. After that, resume manhood…
5. Take a stand against ties. That random bit of cloth, like scarves, serves no purpose other than increased risk of strangulation and wiping your mouth after dinner. Society needs to phase-out this dated fashion accessory as they discriminate against those with thicker necks.
As usual, follow my advice and Dolce & Gabbana may offer an internship. It could happen…
Very insightful advise! As for the mall situation, due to my popularity I often encounter this sort of scenario. More specifically with the people I kinda know (but would be awkward to stop and talk to) I find that picking up your pace slightly, making eye contact momentarily while you offer a simple, closed, greeting (e.g. hi, hello, hey), after their reply focus your eyes straight ahead and keep up your pace.
This way you avoid that awkward half stopping, hesitation and that pointless shallow conversation. Agreed?
I fully concur. Alternatively, you could initiate a Hongi; that way you illustrate your individuality and creativity