A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

It has been brought to my attention that a subject which remains un-discussed is that of music. A hair-breadth line exists between music and noise, therefore the question arises, how do we distinguish? How do we define good music? Fear not, read on…

1. If it is categorised as jazz, categorise it as noise. Jazz contains no melody, rhythm, chorus, catchy-ness, beat, tune, harmony or anything appealing. Some say jazz musicians are a rare talent; I’ve been making ‘jazz’ music since shortly after conception…
2. What do U2, Brooke Fraser and Rapture Ruckus have in common? They are all really good.
3. The determining factor in the appeal of a song is the catchy-ness or ‘x-factor.’ Determining whether a band is good or not requires comparing the ratio of ‘x-factor’ songs to ‘non-x-factor’ songs. 3:2 is considered an acceptable ratio. It’s that simple.
4. Electric guitar and drums should be like a good Parmesan cheese; pleasant but not overwhelming. Not too much, not too little; balance is the key.
5. Is kicking a ball, soccer? No. Is buying some lollies at the dairy, accounting? No. Is toasting a slice of bread, cooking? No. Is scream-o, music? No.
6. Downloading. It’s a bit like stealing apples from your neighbour’s tree. I feel obliged to say, don’t do it…
7. If you assume responsibility of the iPod on a road-trip, you must select songs that are indiscriminately popular. Stick to #1’s and you’ll avoid complaints. Playing Jack Johnston or any acoustic-based music will result in a wearisome driver and death.
8. Pulling faces while playing guitar is unnecessary. When asked to pull a funny face in a class photo you don’t quickly whip out a guitar and start strumming a chord. Therefore, don’t do it the other way round either.

Donald Trump once said that music is the most popular thing in the world. So if you think you’re any good at the most popular thing in the world, see you at Northcross Got Talent on the 29^th August…