If you’re ever tempted to lower the medical profession to ‘man’s vain attempt to heal’ think again. You’ve probably heard that old adage about ’sometimes God uses the medical profession to heal’, well I’d like to add that ‘Those healing, caring and restoring are people after God’s heart”.

I can’t credit my survival without honoring the men and women who did their bit to save me. I’m not taking anything away from God, I’m recognizing them as God’s hands and feet! I have never had the opportunity to see the value of a surgeon’s skill or the care of a nurse like I did in hospital. I was remarkably humbled. I don’t think anything I’ve done in my career comes close to the selfless work I saw in Auckland hospital.

What ’s that you say? They’re just flawed people like the rest of us? Well that just proves my point – for all their weakness, these people encouraged, held my hand, and carried me through many long weeks of suffering. I had people all day and night who helped me with pain, fed me, mopped my brow, washed my body, massaged me, tended my wounds, suctioned me, lifted me, fluffed my pillows, cleaned my clothes, wiped my butt – any number of heinous ongoing tasks they did with absolute dedication when I lifted my hand and made weird signals. Their smiles and empathy gave me courage, their encouragement got me out of bed, their laughter and morning curtain drawing was spiritual food.

I admit, the gulf of care I received goes in the “I can never repay them’ basket. How could I? Buy them a gift basket? Buy them all holidays to Fiji? Pay all their mortgages? What was the most I could do for them? Pray. I pray they are encouraged, I pray that they feel valued, I pray that God will pour out his salvation on them, I pray for their health and their families. I pray… well the depth of my gratitude is so great, I’ll have to pray in tongues because I don’t know what else to pray.

I thank God for the people that helped me through my treatment, He does heal through the medical profession and whatever there is they don’t know, they DO know how to care, and it was an absolute gift to me.

But one night I had been lamenting the sin in my life, you know the kind you wish you could do over, or take back, or emigrate to avoid, I had this dream:

I was fighting a war on a blackened hillside, I had suffered heavy injuries and I was retreating to stay alive. This side of the hill was completely in shadow, the sky was blood red, and flaming arrows were being shot from the enemy on the other side. Still in danger I came to the bottom of the hill and came to a deep lake. With arrows and shouts coming from the enemy, I knew I had to withdraw further, which is when I saw the boatman. He faded in, cloaked in mist, gliding on dark blue waters and I didn’t hesitate to leap on board his raft, as he took me away from danger. Further out into the dark lake we went until finally the arrows of the enemy splashed and smoked harmlessly short of my position. Finally I drew my breath and rested. As I looked up at the boatman, I recognised it was Jesus. He looked silently at me, and although I felt defeated and beaten, there was only peace in his eyes, and compassion.

I awoke, wondering why he hadn’t been more concerned about my defeat or my battle. I was grateful for the rescue and the rest, but I asked the obvious question, what now? Where’s my re-inforcements, my healing, or my victory? What happened after the dream, did he take me somewhere better? Did he drop me back on the shore in a few days?

As I pondered the dream, some aspects became clear. Obviously, the sin aspect of the dream (the fiery darts of the enemy) – I am in a battle with the flesh, with the world and with Satan. I’m not yet perfect and so I fall often (suffer injuries). The rest he offers is the finished work of the cross. In my dream I had forgotten this! I didn’t have to live wounded in regret or sorrow, I just had to get on the lifeboat! (I mean of course, repent and ask his forgiveness!) Fortunately, the victory in this battle does not hinge on my efforts. I have to come back to HIS work on the cross and the victory of HIS resurrection. One day the Lord Jesus will come in power and end the fight once and for all, but not yet. In the meantime he offers his rescue – forgiveness and restoration in him.

The old saying comes to mind “What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?” or ‘How would you fight, if you knew you were assured victory?”

Anyway, I was intrigued to see a very strong anti-God, anti-Christian message, which was really a throw away sub-plot. One of the characters, Ruth, was a one-eyed (literally) fundamentalist Christian and a creationist. In one scene, she argues the standard creationist arguments for life on earth, much to the disgust of the alien Paul, who gives her the standard evolutionary answers. Soon, in his frustration, he places his hand on her head and gives her some ‘Alien enlightenment’ about the origin of the universe, the truth about everything. She consequently sees that all that she has been brainwashed to believe (such as God) is make believe.

Atheists, like Richard Dawkins are still trying to do the same, so we can similarly be free of our superstitions and share in his wonderful enlightenment! The alien Paul obviously doesn’t believe in God, and Ruth later admits that he didn’t scare her, he “freed her’. Paul also cures her blind eye, and when she asks how he did it, he says “Evolution baby.” Talk about an evangelist!

Anyway, what is quite telling is that once Ruth was unshackled from her beliefs, she realised there was ‘no sin’. That’s classic! Can you hear the devil’s voice in that one? Plus she was now free to ‘curse and  fornicate’. That’s at least honest don’t you think? Even outspoken atheists don’t have enough guts to assert this sort of logic, saying that the rules and collective decisions of society help the individual and promote success or a happier life. I wonder if without God, she were now free to murder or steal or dis-honour her parents?

Luckily I had an encounter with Jesus. He did the real equivalent of an alien enlightenment flash on my brain, a bit like the Apostle Paul on the road to Damascus. I can’t explain it any better than that because I think differently now, and I can’t credit myself with having more brains than anyone else. I was the atheist who became a Christian and who sees the world through new eyes. I wouldn’t have even recognised the anti-god sub plot a few years back. Praise God he made himself known to me!

I prayed with a man seeking God, he had a belt buckle that had two menacing silver hands that locked around his waist. I prayed “Jesus, please show him who you are, he’s just like me, he believes and does the same things I used to, and I’m no better than him.” Anyway, for what its worth, the Movie Paul was the story of who I used to be, but never want to be again.

“Recently I took up knitting again. I made myself a cosy, big red scarf.

I’m pretty proud of it. I love it, in fact. Not because it is the greatest scarf ever made, just because I made it myself. I put the effort in to create it.

It reminded me of Willie’s message from the Jigsaw Series at Wave early in the year. He said that part of the reason God loves His creation is because he made it. He feels that same sense of pride mixed with affection over you and me, that I do over my scarf. In fact, He definitely loves us far more than I love my scarf!

Psalm 139 says in verse 13 that He knit us together in our mothers’ wombs. That is a wonderful picture of our creative God, intricately designing and forming each one of us.

Unlike me, God doesn’t make mistakes. God doesn’t have to go back and pick up stitches He’s dropped. He gets it right first time.

In craft circles they have a saying, “the touch of the hand,” which describes something handmade. It’s how you know someone has spent time and effort making an item because of the little unique differences between pieces that machines could not produce.

Each one of us has the touch of God’s hand, our own little differences that set us apart from other people. They remind us that we are all crafted by God.

My scarf well and truly has, “the touch of the hand”. It’s uneven in places, some stitches are bigger than others, and I even managed to add another row in halfway through. God’s touch is different. He gives us talents, gifts and creativity of expression to make us individuals. You are not just a reproduction off a factory line.

The common denominator is that we were all made in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). We have the stamp of the ultimate maker, who didn’t just make us and then leave us, but He cares about His creation day after day. “

After the rather long morose pause (over Christmas) on the first point, I probably waited too long to make the second – life!

Yes, Once I came to terms with the first point (dying), I have no other conclusion than to continue living until further notice.

If you truly understand the fragility of life, or at least the fragility of OUR plans, you can appreciate the value of God’s plan. In fact through all this, knowing that my days were numbered, made it possible to realise that my unfinished plans are okay; not knowing all the answers is okay, even not being right all the time is okay. She’ll be right. (Or He will be right)

I guess this is my new Christian world-view. I used to be anxious if people didn’t come to my party, then I became anxious wondering if people would come to my funeral. Mark Twain said “There is no greater burden than an unfilled potential”. Well I got to a stage where not one thing I had planned to do was working and the chance of achieving them was drifting off into someone else’s life. Then I met Jesus, and he said “I am the way and the truth and the life.” This sort of lifted the pressure on my unfulfilled potential.

So I am a lot more content with living these days. The trial of “losing it all” took me well and truly through the ‘Oh no!” to the “Ah well”. This is not some internal peace based on inner calm or positive thoughts, its completely constructed on the promise that Jesus will get me home and get me there in his perfect plan. Try changing THOSE plans you bullys! (I don’t know who I’m talking to, but lets just say the bad guys)

The dying issue is not over if Christ gives you new life, but it certainly removes the anxiety about how it ends. I’m still working out the HOW today will be, but I don’t live every day as if its my last, I’m going to live every day as if its my first.

“Even the hairs of your head are numbered..” Mt 10:30

When I got diagnosed with cancer, I wondered if  I would be able to hear from God. That I would be so busy with the physical that I wouldn’t be sensitive to the spiritual.

I’m still learning believe me, but here at least are 10 things I did learn:

The world is dying because of sin. There is no medical hope, no miracle supplement. There is no disease we can place more blame on than another. We can kick away at death all we want, for as long as we can, but you will lose this battle.

Fortunately, there is only one antidote to sin! And I was lucky enough to have taken it 8 years ago. I went to the pharmacy of GOD and begged for a prescription JESUS.*

* I dramatised this event for hospital imagery. In reality, my salvation came more like a sinful child reluctantly admitting that Dad was right, but I got the idea eventually! Heyah!

Actually, when I started this series I was thinking of other reasons to read the bible. Ones you may not have thought of. I sort of assumed you would already read it for SALVATION and working our your SALVATION. There are talented people who preach on Sundays for this great stuff!

However, even my cornflake packet, meal in a minute, look in the index, knowledge of scripture can expose Christian heresy. Heresy is when someone claiming to be a Christian twists or denies the truth of the bible.

For example in Rob Bell’s new book Love wins, he tries to introduce a new version of hell, by either denying its severity (or length) and transposing a new angle on salvation that doesn’t include avoiding eternal punishment.

In a short reading of the bible you can know that, Yup hell is real, Yup Rob Bell is creating a God that he is more comfortable with.

Go to Matt 13:24 where Jesus tells the parable of the weeds. Yes, in this parable he draws a picture of the church with false believers mixed with genuine believers. Then he mentions the fate of the faithless; “Bind them in bundles to be burned”.

Okay, you may rightly see this as a ‘picture of hell’ not literal. But luckily for us, his disciples asked Jesus to break it down for them, which he does in Matt 13:36. Jesus unpacks the meaning and gives you real people, real times and real places. This is no longer a ‘picture’ but a literal interpretation of the parable. You don’t need to turn it back into a picture, because Jesus has explained it in truth. Hell is real, end of story, heresy exposed.

This took all of 5 minutes on the iphone to see through this one, and Rob Bell is like a big mega-star, big budget pastor with considerably more bible training than me. But he is not my authority. Jesus is, and his word!

You can read the truth yourself! Read the bible daily so you know the word better and better, so you can spot the heresy. And if you need help, email or phone Pastor Andrew – he’ll point you to the authority of scripture too!

Ahh, the iphone – 34 different translations at the tough of a button, ahh, pastors on speed dial.

<<sent from iphone>>

While Willie may be vary astute in the areas of annoying his is not the expert, I don’t know what diploma mill he got his doctorate from but where I studied you didn’t get a doctorate until you could make a Zen Buddhist Monk who was just five minutes away from finishing a twenty year fast eat his own shoes out of frustration of committing to a vow of peace.

I have also finished a degree in overt stupidity which is a considered a closely related field. And I am sure you have read my article in the noted prank magazine called Tom Fool my article is labelled ‘arrrgggg splat’ and describes a ingenious prank involving trip wire, elephant dung and a very cute hamster.

Anyway the list that follows is THE list of THE 7 TOP most annoying things of all time….

1. Hand sneezers. When you go to shake someone’s hand then they lean over and sneeze on your hand. It is disgusting the first time but when it happens a second, and a third time you get very annoyed.
2. Mothers dropping their kids at school. They are sooo annoying when you are driving behind them, they never properly pull off the road they just sort of veer one meter to the left then park up while their kid hops out. That would not be so bad but of course the kid has to sing the national anthem at assembly. The mother does not want to have the only kid who does not know the words so she gets him to recite it while the rest of us wait. The nerd children are they worst because of course they know all five verses, bunch of show offs.
3. Faulty radios. When your are riding shotgun in your mates car and the radio is only picking up two stations but it is picking them up at the same time. One is some sort of death metal and the other is Mozart. And the radio only has one volume ….loud. And he starts signing along to the guitar solo just as motzy is in the middle of the fifth movement. Your best option is to jump out window but of course if the radio is not working why would the windows work. And the door only unlocks from the outside. And you are going from Cape Reinga to Wellington and your friend has downed five red bulls and has five more so he can make the whole journey without falling asleep. It is for situations such as these that carrying firearms should be legal.
4. Do not buy your corolla new wheel covers.
5. Big intelligent words. while small mindless words like “Ref” and “Big deal” are annoying, they lack the ability to get you truly hated by everyone in the room in less than five seconds. Big words on the other hand can, for example if you ask a guy how “was your day” and he says “it was a Torturous occurrence culminating in a repugnant paroxysm originating from our cadaverously apparelled receptionist.” Either give him a high five for being super annoying or tempestuously countermand curtain parts of contemporary legislation.
6. Why. Willie thinks that “It’s not rocket science.” is annoying I have one thing to say to Willie. Why? Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
   
7. Numbers and units. Using furlongs to measure distance is a bit annoying but all you have to do is get a comparisons book and problem solved. But if you use a different and never before documented like for speed “that’s going about as fast as bird flu” and for size “that’s about one and a half pregnant musk oxen”. And for temperature “that’s about as hot as a sauna in a blizzard.”

For safety reasons I must put a disclaimer at the end of this blog, first for my safety if any of you get harmed using any of the advice listed above please blame Jim Carey he is the inspiration for idiocy after the dumb and dumber movies.

And for your safety: If you use any of these annoying tactics you should be: Fast, robust, wearing body amour, and have the ability to become invisible or else you will end up coated with tar and feathers.

Good night every body you’ve been a wonderful audience.

- written by Nick Morla

Here it is folks; today is the day of great revelation. No satire, no sarcasm, just useful advice on how to take shortcuts with your studies but still pass.

Now before the parents cry foul: kids, studying is good. You should do it. You should not take shortcuts, you should not follow any of the advice you are about to read as it is destructive to your education. There, I said it… I’ll say it again, do not follow my advice.

If however you are looking for shortcuts to allow more social time and less study time without sacrificing results, here they are:

Assignments/Essays

1. Read the question. Yes, you’ve heard this before but it’s important. Teachers/lecturers are simple minded people, like props. They have tunnel vision meaning they only look for a few key points and specific answers to their particular question. You may develop Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and solve 3^rd world poverty but if the question doesn’t ask for it, you will fail. If the word count is 2000 words and you answer it in 1200, let it be.
2. Sound intelligent. Whether or not your responses are correct are of secondary importance. Your language will make you sound professional, even if you have the dress code of Isaac Watts and the hairstyle of Danny Ward. Ok, that may be pushing it…
3. Engage & interpret. 50 words of your own examples/understanding are equal to 500 words of researched information. Research takes time, thinking doesn’t.
4. Leave the writing of the essay to the last minute but mull it over in your head in the weeks leading up to submission. Play around with the question in your head but do the writing in one hit as starting & stopping is inefficient. Multi-tasking is inefficient. Women are… woah good thing I stopped there! When you sit down with 2 hours til submission, enter your power typing zone and allow your instincts to do their thing.

Exams

1. Read the question. Yes, you’ve heard this before but it’s important. Teachers/lecturers are simple minded people, like props. They have tunnel vision meaning they only look for a few key points and specific answers to the question. You may develop Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and solve 3^rd world poverty but if the question doesn’t ask for it, you will fail.
2. Yes the above was repeated, it is that important.
3. Past papers. I am confident that you can pass almost any exam at uni with no more than 3 hours revision and I am yet to be proven wrong. How? By knowing what they are going to ask. On average, 60% of the questions will be near identical to previous exams with a further 20% being very similar in nature. Don’t waste time memorising little rhymes and acronyms, that’s just silly.
4. Go to bed early, relax. Every exam I see people desperately flicking through the textbook as they walk into the room. How stupid. If you are to think clearly and engage with the questions well, keep your mind fresh. Your brain can’t think clearly and stress at the same time. You will strike a blank. Do not strike blanks.

Despite being a tempting proposition to claim, passing exams & assignments with minimal study is not due to superior intellect. It is understanding the game. If you tried to play the violin with a golf club we would point a finger and laugh as it doesn’t make sense – you’re doing it wrong.

An esteemed colleague once gave me this advice, “never become a processor.” In essence, do not simply process work with no deeper engagement with it. Do not recite answers Google told you, engage with the question at hand. Being a processor does not impress your lecturer – understanding the wider concept and a deep appreciation of the topic within its social context, does.

This after all, is the purpose of education.