This week’s topic for contemplation is inspired by the very unsatisfactory condition of this world. So much sin, suffering and pain exists in society today, that one may easily overlook the small things that, for no apparent reason, bring a smile to the face. Hence, I have compiled my list of cool things: small, insignificant things part of God’s Creation that are an endless source of satisfaction…

Sounds

1. The sound of tyres on gravel.
2. A message tone when you’ve been waiting for an important txt.
3. Sharp scissors cutting paper
4. U2. I can barely contain my excitement of their tour to NZ
5. Water gurgling down the bath drain

Smells

1. Petrol.
2. Home-made bread
3. Eucalyptus leaves
4. When you’ve been holding one in for ages…you know it…
5. Farm sheds

Sights

1. The view from the plane over the West Coast
2. Maserati GranTurismo S
3. Table Mountain. It’s very flat, kinda like a table…
4. Sunset on a game reserve
5. Finding money you had forgotten about

Touch[es]

1. Bubble wrap
2. The little bean bag thing at the Ward’s residence
3. Soft mud
4. The iron at the gym…
5. Sheep’s wool

Tastes

1. Chocolate – Milky Bar or Whittaker’s Creamy Milk
2. Strawberries
3. Ox-tail stew
4. Chilli biltong
5. Mum’s pancakes

Compiling a list has the following effect: you lean back, grin broadly and sigh a sigh of contentment. So if you’re feeling down, take my advice and write down some cool things…

It has been brought to my attention that a subject which remains un-discussed is that of music. A hair-breadth line exists between music and noise, therefore the question arises, how do we distinguish? How do we define good music? Fear not, read on…

1. If it is categorised as jazz, categorise it as noise. Jazz contains no melody, rhythm, chorus, catchy-ness, beat, tune, harmony or anything appealing. Some say jazz musicians are a rare talent; I’ve been making ‘jazz’ music since shortly after conception…
2. What do U2, Brooke Fraser and Rapture Ruckus have in common? They are all really good.
3. The determining factor in the appeal of a song is the catchy-ness or ‘x-factor.’ Determining whether a band is good or not requires comparing the ratio of ‘x-factor’ songs to ‘non-x-factor’ songs. 3:2 is considered an acceptable ratio. It’s that simple.
4. Electric guitar and drums should be like a good Parmesan cheese; pleasant but not overwhelming. Not too much, not too little; balance is the key.
5. Is kicking a ball, soccer? No. Is buying some lollies at the dairy, accounting? No. Is toasting a slice of bread, cooking? No. Is scream-o, music? No.
6. Downloading. It’s a bit like stealing apples from your neighbour’s tree. I feel obliged to say, don’t do it…
7. If you assume responsibility of the iPod on a road-trip, you must select songs that are indiscriminately popular. Stick to #1’s and you’ll avoid complaints. Playing Jack Johnston or any acoustic-based music will result in a wearisome driver and death.
8. Pulling faces while playing guitar is unnecessary. When asked to pull a funny face in a class photo you don’t quickly whip out a guitar and start strumming a chord. Therefore, don’t do it the other way round either.

Donald Trump once said that music is the most popular thing in the world. So if you think you’re any good at the most popular thing in the world, see you at Northcross Got Talent on the 29^th August…

In light of a ridiculous suggestion made by a certain individual in our church (Ami Lloyd) regarding appropriate attire for ministry leadership, I was made aware of the lack of fashion sense in today’s society. Now before you express fears that I may be discussing an exclusively feminine topic, do not fear. This is no Vogue editorial, merely some practical dress sense for everyday life:

1. Never, under any circumstances, wear running shoes with jeans. I saw a Facebook group once saying, ‘Everytime I see someone wearing jeans and running shoes a part of me dies inside.’ I liked that page.

2. Neither high-riding nor low-riding should be legal. Low-riders need to drop that spray can and cheer up; while high-riders need to drop that Physics textbook and get a tan. Ok, I generalise, but you know it’s true…

3. Girls, if you’re going to be outside, take a jacket. Yes the man may offer his jacket if you look cold, but guys have feelings too you know.

4. Guys, you may only wear pink if you were forced into it by fellow ministry leaders. You may only wear it for the duration of the ministry hours. After that, resume manhood…

5. Take a stand against ties. That random bit of cloth, like scarves, serves no purpose other than increased risk of strangulation and wiping your mouth after dinner. Society needs to phase-out this dated fashion accessory as they discriminate against those with thicker necks.

As usual, follow my advice and Dolce & Gabbana may offer an internship. It could happen…

Sitting under a blanket with a box of tissues, Vicks vapour rub, and a mug of Lemsip has brought me to the subject of this week’s discussion: things I just don’t understand. Contrary to popular belief, I do not understand everything in this life; here are just a few…

1. Why can doctors cure types of cancer and perform microscopic surgery, yet can do nothing for a common flu? Telling me to drink plenty of fluids and have plenty of rest hardly justifies 7 years of study…
2. What is the obsession with Mi Goreng noodles all about? They’re not that great and you have to open about 6 packets of flavouring as opposed to Maggi’s one. 2-minute noodles have become 13-minute-tired-fingers-and-elevated-stress-levels-noodles.
3. Why do things just start working when you take it to someone to get fixed? Other than to teach us a lesson in humility, I do not understand this phenomenon.
4. Why do people post pointless status updates on Facebook? Daily emotions, lyrics to a song, and just a bunch of x’s, o’s or hearts serve no purpose. When you do a status update, make it funny, controversial or entertaining. Consider it your contribution to society.
5. Why don’t more people wrestle? It’s good for fitness, strength and the ultimate party trick.
6. Where did all the good people go? Ok, that was just on my iPod.
7. How long will it take before the All Blacks win a world cup? No I don’t count the first one because SA didn’t play, and no they weren’t food poisoned in ’95. I’m getting frustrated and I don’t even really support them…
8. Why do people still do the peace sign on photos? Did you think the person taking the photo was acting hostile and just wanted to confirm your peaceful intentions? Doing the peace sign to a camera is as appropriate as high-fiving your teacher when you get a detention; it just doesn’t make sense.

As you would have gathered, I could carry on all day. Yet for brevity sake, I restrict myself. Back to my couch and box of Kleenex; ‘til next week…

The following scenarios are commonly faced in everyday life. Jot down my solutions and I can personally guarantee the elimination of any and all awkwardness.

Scenario: That awkward moment when you’ve just broken up with your other half and said everything there is to say; now you’re not sure whether to stay and comfort or make a break for it.

Solution: Offer a firm handshake and state, “I hope you have a pleasant rest of your life.”

Scenario: That awkward moment when the conversation dries up and everyone stands round resembling gooses as they look at each other.

Solution: Let one rip. Go on, do it.

Scenario: That awkward moment when someone asks to see your abs and they suddenly appear lost.

Solution: Stand directly under light, hunch forward a little, and tense for all your life’s worth.

Scenario: That awkward moment when you’re trying to enjoy some beef roast at dinner when your friends spend 15mins trying to work out which Gilmore Girls character you are.

Solution: Cry loudly and exclaim your anguish at observing the severe demise of society.

Scenario: That awkward moment when someone intends to farewell you with a fist pump, yet your intention is a handshake, resulting in you grabbing their fist.

Solution: Never in my life did I envisage such an awkward scenario. You’ll need to ask JD himself as to what he did…

Scenario: That awkward moment when you walk out of the airplane toilet and the next passenger stares you in the eyes like you’ve just committed a crime.

Solution: State, “I did that.” Return to seat.

Scenario: That awkward moment when your friend invites you on a mandate to watch Twilight.

Solution: Confirm the date. Get your friend to buy the ticket but do a no-show. It is your social obligation to teach them a lesson.

As always, I have addressed several of the key issues faced by young people in post-modern Western society. Remember, if all else fails, initiate a Hongi; nothing breaks awkwardness like a good nose press.

Firstly, the official lifestyle definition of a man-date is as follows: “an engagement to go out socially with one other person of the same gender; without any romantic connotations.” This may include going for a movie, coffee, lunch etc and merely ‘catching up.’ Before I get attacked by feminists, it is called a mandate only because ‘womandate’ is a bit of a mouthful and simply doesn’t sound as cool. The following rules governing mandates apply equally to male and female:

1. Avoid excessive displays of emotion or affection. People may get the wrong idea.
2. Columbus coffee outside the mall in Albany is a great spot with pleasant atmosphere and surroundings. Sunny, sheltered from the wind and their frappes are top notch.
3. Turn off your mobile phone; your other half can wait. Txting on a mandate is annoying and rude. Save that for your normal dates.
4. Spontaneity is key. No need to plan a mandate long in advance, just go with the flow. A mandate should be initiated through mutual desire to ‘just chill’.
5. What is said on a mandate stays on the mandate. True feelings and emotions are revealed on these special occasions which therefore require confidentiality. Don’t go breaking trust, or next time it will be a solo-date.

As always, following my advice will lead you to greatness. Oh wait, I almost forgot; don’t go wearing a pink shirt or scarf on a mandate… for obvious reasons. Share some funny or awkward mandate experiences below (I feel like a chuckle):

Being asked regularly as to the secret to my perfect physique, I have decided today to share some fitness tips. No you don’t need a layer of insulation to survive the winter, going for a run will warm you up plenty. Private training sessions could cost you a fortune, however today on waveyouth.org, it is absolutely free…

1. When you go for a run, you must actually sweat. This applies to everyone, regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, religious convictions, blood type or any other excuse you can come up with. No sweat? Train harder.
2. Protein, protein, protein. Essential for muscle repair and recovery. Also makes you look way more professional when you walk out the gym with a shake in hand.
3. Weights are your friends. The high energy demands of a good program will burn twice the calories of running. And no, you won’t just get massive instantly; it took years to carve this body…
4. Vary your aerobic exercises. The reason why most people don’t enjoy exercise is because they do the same thing over and over. Try swimming, cycling, rowing, tennis or acting (aka football).
5. Motivation is the key to fitness. So don’t pay for a personal trainer, train with a partner. But don’t go choosing someone who has half your fitness just to make yourself feel good.

Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is your body. So pull the sneakers out from under the bed, fill up the water bottle, ditch the scarf and see you in the gym…

In celebration of the pending Winter Solstice on the 21^st June, I would like to consider today the issue of rainy day blues. Exam papers are about to be handed in and school doors shut; therefore it is essential to have a boredom plan in place. Do not fear, I am about to help you out…

1. Create a hut in the lounge out of couches, pillows, blankets and chairs. Yes, you did it when you were 7 but trust me, this is timeless. Tell scary stories with a torch and play games like ‘truth, dare, promise.’ This is not quite as enjoyable when on your own, but still, give it a go.
2. LAN. Granted, network gaming is as cool as fluro pants at an emo party, but battling your friends electronically can be mildly entertaining. Time has never flown so quickly.
3. Write to your grandparents. They’ll love you for it.
4. Do some baking. Try not to eat all the cookie dough before it actually gets baked. And if you want people singing your praises for years to come, enlist the help of either JD or myself. Yes, we did dominate the Northcross bake-off.
5. Monopoly. But don’t go taking it socially. Refuse to lose and battle it out til the early morning hours. Willie’s top tip: secure the Train Stations and Utilities first to ensure steady income.

Once you have exhausted this list and still find yourself bored inside on a rainy day, there’s always YouTube. But instead of streaming pointless videos, watch clips like this:

There are few issues in life which are as concerning to me as society’s misguidance of hat wearing. Your hat may associate you with any number of social stereotypes, therefore greater public awareness in correct hat wearing is required. Today, I will highlight the styles and associations:

1. Bel Air. Ok your IQ just dropped 100 points. Feel free to argue, however considering your single digit IQ, I would expect a rather short argument…

2.  Straight-back. You’re stuck in the mid 90’s and probably still think the Internet was invented last year. Get with the times.

3. Straight-sideways. Not only does your hat serve no purpose, it must also be horribly uncomfortable or you have an odd-shaped head. And you’re probably from Dannevirke. And probably wear a scarf…

4. Gangsta. This style is often associated with size 21XL t-shirts, low-riding trousers and crime. Usually worn with a bandana underneath the cap. Pull the gold sticker off and stop wagging school…

The aforementioned styles are all ridiculous, however, do not worry, I have provided a list of appropriate hats:

1. Straight and true. Simple Flexfit, worn normally on your head provides sun protection and cover for bad hair days. Black with a subtle white pinstripe is pure class.

2. Legionnaire. Not old-fashioned, old-skool. This timeless hat does not bring to mind words such as ‘sophistication’ or ‘class’, yet does bring to mind ‘original’ and ‘legendary.’

3. Beret. Only for the girls. Looks classy and serves a mild purpose in head warmth.

4. Bucket hat. Not suitable for everyone, however, given correct physique, a simple bucket is associated with sports, practicality and Steve Price.

Until next time, remember if you’re having a bad hair day, wear a hat. Just not gangsta, or anything like that.

]]> http://waveyouth.org.nz/blog/uncategorised/a-hatter-matter.html/feed 4 http://waveyouth.org.nz/blog/uncategorised/fifa-fever.html http://waveyouth.org.nz/blog/uncategorised/fifa-fever.html#comments Wed, 02 Jun 2010 23:56:27 +0000 willie http://waveyouth.org.nz/?p=799 A Lifestyle Guide by Willie Jacobson

Being made aware recently of the lack of public knowledge concerning the sporting calendar, I feel obliged this week to share some thoughts on a topic that is very dear to my heart: football. Remember, as always, these blogs are entirely serious and are not intended to be presented satirically. Many may not know this, but I did once trial for a junior North Harbour team and captained some Kingsway kids soccer team many years ago (granted, I barely had the mental capacity to tie my own shoelaces yet). I therefore consider myself qualified to share some insights on how to multiply your experience of the upcoming Fifa World Cup:

1. Look out for Gilles Yapi Yapo from Côte d’Ivoire. I have no idea if he’s any good but he has a cool name.
2. Follow England’s matches religiously. I have never met a nationality that is so passionate about a sport that they are actually quite horrible at. They haven’t won a world cup since 1966 but you have to admire their persistence.
3. Keep your fingers crossed that someone accidentally kicks Cristiano Ronaldo in the shins.
4. Fly your white flag in support of the All Whites. Is it just me or is there something ironic there? Although I’m sure the All Whites will fly their own white flag in most of their games.
5. Know the rules! There’s nothing more annoying than ill-informed viewers…
6. Find your ball pump and lawnmower. No doubt many backyard games will break out only to find deflated balls and overgrown lawns.
7. Remember it’s all about participation. So if you support England and are about to wait four more years, remember that at the end of the day, sport is always the winner.

I’m glad I could be of assistance to you. In all seriousness, I am curiously interested in this cup somehow and have found myself supporting Team Ryan Nelsen. Perhaps it has something to do with the brilliant on-field acting about to take place…

So who do you support and why?